step back.

breathe. in and out. in and out.

what is it about this world that stretches you so thin? dragged to the brink of your mental capacity, clinging by tenterhooks to the edges.  have you been uncomfortable with life lately? your skin feels a little too tight.

and yes.

our rush theme was in part inspired by an insomniac ad.
why are asian greeks such etards smh...

hey girll you cute.

can i get yo numba...

RUSH SIGMAS 2012

for two weeks, ill have switched teams

girl flirting all day

rooftop visits.

     there are high places
     that don't invite us,
     sharp shapes, glacier-
     scraped faces, whole
     ranges whose given names
     slip off. any such relation
     as we try to make
     refuses to take. some
     high lakes are not for us,
     some slick escarpments.
     i'm giddy with thinking
     where thinking can't stick.

                              kay ryan

ink.

上有青冥之高天，
下有渌水之波澜。

天长地远魂飞苦，

梦魂不到关山难。

above, the blue depth of sky

below, the green restless water

high heaven, wide earth; the piercing yearning soars

can i dream through the gateway, over the mountain

     cherry blossom :: sensuality

              water :: flow

             cranes :: wisdom

interview with a player.

Where did you go? What did you see?
Did it mean more or less than it did before
 Did you get what you wanted?
Did it even make a difference?
Were there star filled eyes or any
after dinner mints and toothpicks?
Did everyone forget about you?
Did it all add up to something big or
  just little victories scattered into the ocean,
  nothing much but enough.
Will you find me again?
What if it was just like the first time?
What if the weather was perfect and you felt
  young instead of older? Do people ever change?
Did you do your best? Did you save a life?
Did you spend years saving your own or did you
  think you were and ended up more lost than ever?
Did you sit at bars, sip mixed drinks,
Wear nice shirts, fuck pretty girls?
   Can you really say you did not love me more
   than the rest even though I always made a mess?

I am alone and I can't look into the mirror, and
I am not sure what to say, I'm tongue tied,
I'm half beautiful, I'm too closed..
The desperation does not leave, you seemed so perfect
  and intense and I can't stop looking at pictures
  of you and nothing good comes easy.

nature v. nurture.

It's chilling to realize how, in age, you mirror your parents more and more. You see flashes of them every now and again; flickers of their quirks and tendencies begin to show themselves in how you approach the people around you, the way you overcome challenges, the process by which you shape your opinions. The tenor of your anger.

Strangely enough, in my usual habit of over-thinking everything, I find myself thinking less of him and more of myself. How I acted, as alcohol burned down all inhibitions and emotions flooded my judgment. So unlike me, to speak and act so wholly without filters. But what strikes me most is that, looking at myself, I see flashes of my mother, on the rare occasions when the myriad stresses of day-to-day life became too much and her usually steadfast mental composure slipped. There are traces of her temper lining mine: the cruelly mocking twist to my words, the horrible sad laughter, the selection of curses, and even way my fingers clutched my face, as if their hold could keep me from completely falling apart. Me, running up the stairs, wildly, as if running would actually take me somewhere better. The catharsis of gut-wrenching pent-up frustration.

It's eerie, to see how the present is so deeply rooted in the past. A person truly is the sum of life experiences. While the details may blur, the further I go, the better it seems I am able to look back and understand.

liquid courage.

It feels good, to have let everything out.

To feel lighter, free.

paradigm shift.

Just finished a survey for statistics discussing the differences between a fixed mindset and growth mindset. How alarming, to find that I myself am my own biggest roadblock.

Time to stop being an prideful, elitist little prick.

25 things to do before you turn 25.

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment.
2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward.
3. Minimize your passivity.
4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day.
5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met.
6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together.
7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise.
8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet.
9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender.
10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you.
11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun.
12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be.
13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to.
14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you.
15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be.
16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane.
17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.
18. Stop hating yourself.
19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to.
20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it.
21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise.
22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first.
23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it.
24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro.
25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open.

Five years.  Leggo.
Taken from Tumblr.

omfg.

where did the days go...

so much to do, and not even half done